It was mealtime during an airline flight. The flight attendant asked John, who was seated in the front row, “Would you like dinner?”

John asked, “What are my choices?”

“Yes or no,” she replied.

---

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

---

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead…”

---

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

---

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:

Low Bridge Ahead

Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck got wedged under it. Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally a police car came up. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

---

A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

---

A woman was standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

…from California and Arizona.

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that’s why California is broke.

This morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more candidates for President either.

It’s gonna get ugly, people!

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

What the heck! Let’s offend everybody!

Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Tim Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time…” A Southern fairtales begins, “Y’ all ain’t gonna believe this s__t!”

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States!!!