| There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
“Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…
(you’re going to love this)
“Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!”
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This morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more candidates for President either.
It’s gonna get ugly, people!
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
What the heck! Let’s offend everybody!
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Tim Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time…” A Southern fairtales begins, “Y’ all ain’t gonna believe this s__t!”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States!!!
An Israeli doctor says,
“Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney
out of one man,
put it in another, and
have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says,
“That is nothing;
we can take a lung
out of one person,
put it in another, and
have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A Russian doctor says,
“In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart
out of one person,
put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.”
An ILLINOIS doctor says,
“You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with no brains
out of ILLINOIS,
put him in the White House, and
within SIX MONTHS,
half the COUNTRY is looking for work.”
John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John’s favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John’s amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work. He had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.
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Painting the Church Building
